ichimyatsu | 🐾 contact [ riverview ]

[He grumbles, not going easily at the pulling on his wrists, but eventually giving in even if he keeps his head ducked away in his knees.]

Protection makes it sound a lot less selfish than how I actually mean it.

[He doesn't acknowledge the notion that they're similar. They are, and he knows it, and he mostly hates it, because he wants so much to be more of what Karamatsu exudes in confidence, but he can't.]

_{[ Karamatsu eventually sits on the floor in front of Ichimatsu, cornering him without even meaning to. His legs cross in Indian style, elbows propping on his knees as he evaluates his little brother. ]}

Oh? Is it not protection, then? If I would have.. heeded your warning back on Eluvio, I would not have gotten in so much trouble.
_{[ a pause. ]}

I got into more trouble than you think.

[He looks a little nauseous, at being cornered, or maybe that's just his face, it's hard to say. His eyebrows knit together and his frown creases further, his voice coming out a grumbling growl for a moment.]

Which is why I'm so irritated you wouldn't listen to me here, but what the fuck do I know.

I'm listening to you now, am I not? I am taking your advice now. You should be happy about that because I am admitting that you are right.
_{[ ugh, this is such a douchebag way for him to get his feelings across, but he's emotionally constipated too, Ichimatsu. Maybe you'll understand. ]}

I remembered.. back on the Eluvio how upset you were when I left you. I'm not sure what I was thinking this time. I just do not want anything to happen to you.
_{[ —because something happened to him. ]}

Well clearly of the two of us I'm the less likely to get horribly fucked, given I know better than to be interested in some experimental drug advertised anonymously.

[His tone is flat, because honestly he's tired of this circular argument, but at least he's listening. He seems to have deigned not to acknowledge Karamatsu's insistence he should be happy his advice is being taken too late.]

Ah.. that's very good.
_{[ that's very good.. he's relieved you're not as stupid as he is, I guess. Perhaps he's worrying too much about Ichimatsu, but how can he not? He's the only one out of the rest them that are here. If something were to happen to Ichimatsu, he could never forgive himself. If their family ever arrived here, he couldn't even face them. ]}

..I'm sorry I am such a burden to you.
_{[ His body shakes slightly, forcing a smile, as if he's trying to suppress a lot of emotion right now.
Spoiler alert: He is. ]}

I am.. not very responsible, as you know. I'm not reliable, it seems, as I cannot even take care of my own self.
_{[ There he is, verbally admitting his defeat.. which is an accomplishment. He used to think he could be the oldest brother-- he was jealous of Osomatsu, but now, through all of this he's realizing he's nothing but a failure. ]}

None of us are. Has it really taken you twenty-three years to realize that?

[He's not delicate, he's not nurturing. He can see that Karamatsu is pretty solidly struggling with emotion, but fuck if he knows what to do with it.]

You're not a burden, you're just obnoxious. And it's irritating as hell to tell you you're doing something stupid, be spat at, and then have you turn around and expect me to be happy you actually did listen.

_{[ He sits there in silence after awhile, feeling both anger and guilt at the same time— a common sensation for him to actually feel at once. He wants to leave in frustration, abandon Ichimatsu like how he did back on the Eluvio, but then he feels like he can't, he's too cowardly to do that again. He wants to cry but he doesn't want Ichimatsu to see him do that— he's too prideful to dare show weakness so easily in front of somebody who harasses him enough.

His eyes glaze over slightly, but he doesn't dare lift his head up to look at Ichimatsu. ]}

... That's fine.
_{[ That's fine. That's all he can manage to say right now. ]}

[He huffs. Karamatsu pretty clearly had other things he wanted to say, or do, and if Ichimatsu knew him (unfortunately, he knew him all too well despite his constant standoffish nature), he wasn't gonna say it unless prompted. He grits his teeth and nudges his brother with his foot, not-quite kicking him.]

The hell's your issue. If you're that scared to be alone you can move in here, you huge baby. [And, maybe he's a little scared too.]

_{[ He barely reacts when he is shoved, glossy eyes focused on the floor. He contemplates just merely allowing himself to fall over but somehow maintains his balance. Ichimatsu is right. He's a huge baby, he's scared, he hates being alone or the thought of loneliness.

Honestly, Karamatsu is finally acknowledging he is getting in a lot more trouble than Ichimatsu with all of this and it makes him feel like shit.

Uneasy, he finally casts Ichimatsu a glance. ]}

... Are you certain?

[He scowls.]

If you start crying I'm going to change my mind.

_{[ Oh no. At that threat, he takes in a deep breath and scrubs at his eyes, hands trembling slightly. ]}

ICHIMATSUUU!
_{[ He's not bursting into tears like he was going to, but man, it's pretty close. ]}

I do not know what I would do without you!
_{[ god, this drama queen. But it's true. If he were still by himself, like it was the first few months in Eluvio, he's not sure how he would be acting right now. ]}

Probably a lot of things.

[He nudges him with his foot some more.]

Go get your shit.

A lot of terrible things!
_{[ It clicks. It finally clicks. Like a cockroach has been trapped inside the gears of his head, preventing him from thinking clearly, for everything to run as it should in his mind. It looks like one of his gears just smashed that unsavory cockroach and it clicks. ]}

It's because of you I kept myself out of anymore trouble. Ah.. you must be.. a rescuer! All of this time, all of this time.. I was almost certain that you despised me, hated my guts.. but you..
_{[ He hesitates to say it, but: ]}

--You're showing me your kindness, aren't you? You're protecting me.
_{[ oh no, ooooh noooo, those tears are definitely beginning to fall. ]}

[Lord fucking help them both. Ichimatsu's left eye twitches and he leans back on his pelvis, picking up one leg and-- squarely putting his foot between Karamatsu's eyes, pushing him away.]

It reads like I'm protecting you, sure. I'm trying to keep your dumb ass from getting killed, yeah. I'll grant you that. I'm not doing it to be kind and I'm not doing it strictly to protect you. If the others showed up and I'd let you die not only would they be mad because family or some bullshit, but they'd never let me live it down that I let somebody else kill you.

_{[ He doesn't exactly believe Ichimatsu, but he doesn't want Ichimatsu to know that he doesn't believe him-- look, he's complicated, okay.
Karamatsu almost flops backwards entirely; the unsuspecting shove causes him to blink owlishly at Ichimatsu and just fall quiet for awhile.
He has no comment on the matter. On the subject of killing, though: ]}

Ichimatsu..
_{[ His voice is soft, at least he's sopped crying and is merely just sniveling pitifully right now. ]}

There's something else.. I wanted to talk about, if you don't find it too much of a burden to listen.

Edited 2017-08-02 03:23 (UTC)

You're gonna talk whether I'm listening or not, so may as well go for it while you have me captive. I'm gonna start charging a therapy fee one of these days, you know.

[He draws his foot back and lounges against the bedframe beside him, nosing at Nyanko affectionately.]

O-Okay..
_{[ Karamatsu says, suddenly very insecure. He fidgets-- now was the time to tell Ichimatsu about what happened on Eluvio-- maybe that will also make him feel better. He avoids looking at Ichmatsu, knowing very well Ichimatsu isn't going to take him seriously or even believe him. His body tremors slightly, though, a clear indication he isn't okay with any of this. The guilt that remained in his heart was suffocating.

With a shaking inhale, he cuts right to the point, oddly not feeling himself and not even daring to make his words elegant or decorative. He bites off each syllable, talking firmly: ]}

I killed a person back on Bajikan.

[It's true, he doesn't take him seriously, or believe him. Not right at first, anyway. Honestly the statement just sounds so foreign and out of place, and the way he doesn't make it flowery is the only thing that really makes him stop and think about it. His left eye twitches and he looks up from his cat, squinting at him.]

Ira?

_{[He continues:]}
We were trying to get out-- we had our weapons out.. there was no other way. But..
I cannot help but feel terrible.. I cannot help but.. but.
_{[Oh god, he's getting choked up again.]}

[He kicks him again, but gentler this time.]

Who's "we"? And whatever, to be honest, Ira did that shit to people.

_{[He doesn't want to say who for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want Ichimatsu to get mad at Sombra should she ever appear in Riverview, or maybe he's just being difficult. We honestly don't know. Anything with Karamatsu can happen.]}

It's not like that, though.. I felt so much hatred surface.
_{[He looks down at his hands, his voice distant and small.]}

I did not realize I had that much hatred in me..

[He probably wouldn't. Honestly, he's smart enough to realize that if Sombra hadn't shown Karamatsu how to shoot, they may have been in some real shit. He rolls his eyes and shrugs, pushing at him with his foot.]

That's what happens when you're almost as fake as Totty all the damn time.

_{[He seems annoyed at being compared to their youngest brother, mainly cause he knows Ichimatsu is calling him fake-- calling him out, and he hates that.]}

And what about you? You pretend you hate everyone but I know that isn't completely true. Even with me, I know it is not true..! Just..
_{[He slumps forward, curling his legs inward and coiling up. His face buries into his arms that hug his knees, trying to much to contain his emotions and trying to find some sort of safe spot among this entire conversation. It was the hardest thing ever, but he did it so much. He was being so selfish lately and it's taken him this long to realize it. t really makes him dislike who he honestly is.
Through his muffled voice, he manages to speak:]}

...j-just don't ever completely hate me, okay?

[He levels a deadpan with Karamatsu's curled distress, sighing and leaning back against the bedframe behind him.]

God, I need a fucking cigarette. [He stares at the ceiling for a long time, pressing his foot into Karamatsu and rocking between the bedframe and his brother's shin in some kind of unconscious anxious movement. He recognizes fully well that Karamatsu's stressed out, and legitimately so for once, and that he's not just being a damn drama queen about this. He's upset, he's honestly upset, and Ichimatsu has never learned how to handle this kind of thing. Least of all from Fakey McPretendpants, who seems the only one of them more dedicated to his lifestyle of pretending he was okay when he wasn't than himself.]

If you already know I don't, why are you so fixated on it? Crybaby.

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