松野一松 | matsuno ichimatsu (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ichimyatsu) wrote2017-06-12 11:36 pm
ichimyatsu) wrote2017-06-12 11:36 pm
Entry tags:
🐾 contact [ riverview ]
i'm ichimatsu
leave a message and i guess i'll return your call if i care
🐾 text 🐾 voicemail 🐾 action 🐾 etc
[please designate in the subject line, date optional! ichimatsu currently lives alone in private housing; floor 9, room 2.]
no subject
[ It clicks. It finally clicks. Like a cockroach has been trapped inside the gears of his head, preventing him from thinking clearly, for everything to run as it should in his mind. It looks like one of his gears just smashed that unsavory cockroach and it clicks. ]
It's because of you I kept myself out of anymore trouble. Ah.. you must be.. a rescuer! All of this time, all of this time.. I was almost certain that you despised me, hated my guts.. but you..
[ He hesitates to say it, but: ]
--You're showing me your kindness, aren't you? You're protecting me.
[ oh no, ooooh noooo, those tears are definitely beginning to fall. ]
no subject
It reads like I'm protecting you, sure. I'm trying to keep your dumb ass from getting killed, yeah. I'll grant you that. I'm not doing it to be kind and I'm not doing it strictly to protect you. If the others showed up and I'd let you die not only would they be mad because family or some bullshit, but they'd never let me live it down that I let somebody else kill you.
no subject
Karamatsu almost flops backwards entirely; the unsuspecting shove causes him to blink owlishly at Ichimatsu and just fall quiet for awhile.
He has no comment on the matter. On the subject of killing, though: ]
Ichimatsu..
[ His voice is soft, at least he's sopped crying and is merely just sniveling pitifully right now. ]
There's something else.. I wanted to talk about, if you don't find it too much of a burden to listen.
no subject
[He draws his foot back and lounges against the bedframe beside him, nosing at Nyanko affectionately.]
no subject
[ Karamatsu says, suddenly very insecure. He fidgets-- now was the time to tell Ichimatsu about what happened on Eluvio-- maybe that will also make him feel better. He avoids looking at Ichmatsu, knowing very well Ichimatsu isn't going to take him seriously or even believe him. His body tremors slightly, though, a clear indication he isn't okay with any of this. The guilt that remained in his heart was suffocating.
With a shaking inhale, he cuts right to the point, oddly not feeling himself and not even daring to make his words elegant or decorative. He bites off each syllable, talking firmly: ]
I killed a person back on Bajikan.
no subject
Ira?
no subject
We were trying to get out-- we had our weapons out.. there was no other way. But..
I cannot help but feel terrible.. I cannot help but.. but.
[Oh god, he's getting choked up again.]
no subject
Who's "we"? And whatever, to be honest, Ira did that shit to people.
no subject
It's not like that, though.. I felt so much hatred surface.
[He looks down at his hands, his voice distant and small.]
I did not realize I had that much hatred in me..
no subject
That's what happens when you're almost as fake as Totty all the damn time.
no subject
And what about you? You pretend you hate everyone but I know that isn't completely true. Even with me, I know it is not true..! Just..
[He slumps forward, curling his legs inward and coiling up. His face buries into his arms that hug his knees, trying to much to contain his emotions and trying to find some sort of safe spot among this entire conversation. It was the hardest thing ever, but he did it so much. He was being so selfish lately and it's taken him this long to realize it. t really makes him dislike who he honestly is.
Through his muffled voice, he manages to speak:]
...j-just don't ever completely hate me, okay?
no subject
God, I need a fucking cigarette. [He stares at the ceiling for a long time, pressing his foot into Karamatsu and rocking between the bedframe and his brother's shin in some kind of unconscious anxious movement. He recognizes fully well that Karamatsu's stressed out, and legitimately so for once, and that he's not just being a damn drama queen about this. He's upset, he's honestly upset, and Ichimatsu has never learned how to handle this kind of thing. Least of all from Fakey McPretendpants, who seems the only one of them more dedicated to his lifestyle of pretending he was okay when he wasn't than himself.]
If you already know I don't, why are you so fixated on it? Crybaby.
no subject
I will continue to make mistakes like this.. and then eventually.. you might leave me because I am not perfect and loving!
[There it is. The fear of being alone. Kind of familiar, isn't it?
Oh yeah, and the sobbing. That's familiar too.]
no subject
I know that, Karamatsu. We're fucking family, and I'm not blind. You're a hell of a lot better at being loving than I am, so just... Shut up, already.
[He's still tugging on his leg. Come here, you shitty awful sobbing gross brother.]
no subject
I just.. want to be the best person I can be..!
[ Truly though? He has no idea how to do that. ]
no subject
Newsflash, Sherlock, we're not good people to begin with.
no subject
[ He wants to argue with Ichimatsu, for as hopeful as he is, he believes there's goodness in all people. Whether that's sincere or not, it's hard to know just how much he really does have faith in others. He doesn't even think Ichimatsu is a bad person, just very misunderstood. He rubs his face further into Ichimatsu's shoulder, seeming to be done with his tears (for now) but that doesn't mean he'll be less dramatic.
Instead of saying "I don't believe that," he settles for the truth: ]
... I am so exhausted of being that though.
no subject
So sorry your were born into a family of shitty losers. [His tone is dry.]
no subject
I think.. I would much rather be born into a large family without success than be an only child with success. It just seems better that way, knowing I belong somewhere.
no subject