ichimyatsu | 🐾 contact [ riverview ]

_{[ He doesn't exactly believe Ichimatsu, but he doesn't want Ichimatsu to know that he doesn't believe him-- look, he's complicated, okay.
Karamatsu almost flops backwards entirely; the unsuspecting shove causes him to blink owlishly at Ichimatsu and just fall quiet for awhile.
He has no comment on the matter. On the subject of killing, though: ]}

Ichimatsu..
_{[ His voice is soft, at least he's sopped crying and is merely just sniveling pitifully right now. ]}

There's something else.. I wanted to talk about, if you don't find it too much of a burden to listen.

Edited 2017-08-02 03:23 (UTC)

You're gonna talk whether I'm listening or not, so may as well go for it while you have me captive. I'm gonna start charging a therapy fee one of these days, you know.

[He draws his foot back and lounges against the bedframe beside him, nosing at Nyanko affectionately.]

O-Okay..
_{[ Karamatsu says, suddenly very insecure. He fidgets-- now was the time to tell Ichimatsu about what happened on Eluvio-- maybe that will also make him feel better. He avoids looking at Ichmatsu, knowing very well Ichimatsu isn't going to take him seriously or even believe him. His body tremors slightly, though, a clear indication he isn't okay with any of this. The guilt that remained in his heart was suffocating.

With a shaking inhale, he cuts right to the point, oddly not feeling himself and not even daring to make his words elegant or decorative. He bites off each syllable, talking firmly: ]}

I killed a person back on Bajikan.

[It's true, he doesn't take him seriously, or believe him. Not right at first, anyway. Honestly the statement just sounds so foreign and out of place, and the way he doesn't make it flowery is the only thing that really makes him stop and think about it. His left eye twitches and he looks up from his cat, squinting at him.]

Ira?

_{[He continues:]}
We were trying to get out-- we had our weapons out.. there was no other way. But..
I cannot help but feel terrible.. I cannot help but.. but.
_{[Oh god, he's getting choked up again.]}

[He kicks him again, but gentler this time.]

Who's "we"? And whatever, to be honest, Ira did that shit to people.

_{[He doesn't want to say who for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want Ichimatsu to get mad at Sombra should she ever appear in Riverview, or maybe he's just being difficult. We honestly don't know. Anything with Karamatsu can happen.]}

It's not like that, though.. I felt so much hatred surface.
_{[He looks down at his hands, his voice distant and small.]}

I did not realize I had that much hatred in me..

[He probably wouldn't. Honestly, he's smart enough to realize that if Sombra hadn't shown Karamatsu how to shoot, they may have been in some real shit. He rolls his eyes and shrugs, pushing at him with his foot.]

That's what happens when you're almost as fake as Totty all the damn time.

_{[He seems annoyed at being compared to their youngest brother, mainly cause he knows Ichimatsu is calling him fake-- calling him out, and he hates that.]}

And what about you? You pretend you hate everyone but I know that isn't completely true. Even with me, I know it is not true..! Just..
_{[He slumps forward, curling his legs inward and coiling up. His face buries into his arms that hug his knees, trying to much to contain his emotions and trying to find some sort of safe spot among this entire conversation. It was the hardest thing ever, but he did it so much. He was being so selfish lately and it's taken him this long to realize it. t really makes him dislike who he honestly is.
Through his muffled voice, he manages to speak:]}

...j-just don't ever completely hate me, okay?

[He levels a deadpan with Karamatsu's curled distress, sighing and leaning back against the bedframe behind him.]

God, I need a fucking cigarette. [He stares at the ceiling for a long time, pressing his foot into Karamatsu and rocking between the bedframe and his brother's shin in some kind of unconscious anxious movement. He recognizes fully well that Karamatsu's stressed out, and legitimately so for once, and that he's not just being a damn drama queen about this. He's upset, he's honestly upset, and Ichimatsu has never learned how to handle this kind of thing. Least of all from Fakey McPretendpants, who seems the only one of them more dedicated to his lifestyle of pretending he was okay when he wasn't than himself.]

If you already know I don't, why are you so fixated on it? Crybaby.

Because I--
I will continue to make mistakes like this.. and then eventually.. you might leave me because I am not perfect and loving!
_{[There it is. The fear of being alone. Kind of familiar, isn't it?
Oh yeah, and the sobbing. That's familiar too.]}

[The sobbing is familiar, but at the same time it's uncomfortably unfamiliar, because it's genuine. It's not just Karamatsu being Karamatsu, dramatic and painful and over exaggerating literally everything. And it makes his stomach twist in a way that doesn't quite hurt, but makes him a little bit nauseous, and he really, really doesn't like that. He makes a faint gurgling sound in the back of his throat and moves his leg to hook his foot behind Karamatsu's calf, tugging.]

I know that, Karamatsu. We're fucking family, and I'm not blind. You're a hell of a lot better at being loving than I am, so just... Shut up, already.

[He's still tugging on his leg. Come here, you shitty awful sobbing gross brother.]

_{[ He's so pathetic, practically lying on the floor and letting his tears flow free. The second Ichimatsu indicates any invitation to bring him over is the second he drags himself across the floor and burrows head first into Ichimatsu's shoulder. He's gonna get your clothes all snotty. ]}

I just.. want to be the best person I can be..!
_{[ Truly though? He has no idea how to do that. ]}

[He's momentarily having a regret in letting Karamatsu come over here, but he sets his jaw and lets him burrow against his shoulder anyway, looking the other way.]

Newsflash, Sherlock, we're not good people to begin with.

I--!
_{[ He wants to argue with Ichimatsu, for as hopeful as he is, he believes there's goodness in all people. Whether that's sincere or not, it's hard to know just how much he really does have faith in others. He doesn't even think Ichimatsu is a bad person, just very misunderstood. He rubs his face further into Ichimatsu's shoulder, seeming to be done with his tears (for now) but that doesn't mean he'll be less dramatic.
Instead of saying "I don't believe that," he settles for the truth: ]}

... I am so exhausted of being that though.

[He's not as terrible as he likes to make people think, no. But he's certainly not a good person. So few people in this day and age are, though. He rolls his eyes and tries not to tense his shoulders too much with Karamatsu rubbing his face all in his shirt, smearing snot and tears all through the fabric until his collarbone is damp, giving Nyanko a withering gaze.]

So sorry your were born into a family of shitty losers. [His tone is dry.]

No, _{[ he goes on, we're gonna be talking in circles.. ]}
I think.. I would much rather be born into a large family without success than be an only child with success. It just seems better that way, knowing I belong somewhere.

[Maybe you'll be talking in circles... Ichimatsu's about done with the conversation so he just shrugs, leaning back against the bedframe and looking the other way. Have your fit, Karamatsu, he's just about reached capacity for dealing.]

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