🐾 contact [ riverview ]

[ichimyatsu]

i'm ichimatsu
leave a message and i guess i'll return your call if i care

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[please designate in the subject line, date optional! ichimatsu currently lives alone in private housing; floor 9, room 2.]

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action | 07.06/2017

[glitterpants]

_{[ KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKKKK. Wonder who is knocking at Ichimatsu's door? ]}

[ichimyatsu]

[Grumblesssss. He considers just hollering that it's not locked, but having no idea who's on the other side of the door makes him hesitate, so he gets up and shuffles across the room, opening the door just enough to look out into the hallway.]

[His expression sours, and he considers shutting the door in his face.]

What.

[glitterpants]

<sub>[ This is the first time they've seen each other here in Riverview if you don't count the whole 'let's revert Karamatsu to a hell child' and Karamatsu can remember that something like that happened, but all of his actions are a little fuzzy. One thing was certain, though, he knew Ichimatsu was here after the event was over, and bumping into him on the network just confirmed that.

His jaw is firm and his expression seems serious. ]</sub>

We need to talk about things, brother.

[ichimyatsu]

"Things". That's a wildly broad topic.

[He moves away from the door and leaves it open anyway, though, retreating back to where he'd been sitting on the floor beside-- well, he's taken his bed sort of apart so the mattress is on the floor, and he's sitting behind the foot of the frame, Nyanko curled neatly into a sleeping ball beside him on the mattress.]

[glitterpants]

_{[ Karamatsu asserts himself inside, not making direct eye contact at Ichimatsu as he slips his shoes off and instantly falls back against the door after he shuts it.
How was he supposed to tell Ichimatsu everything he needed to say? He'll start with the easy thing, first: ]}

... I did not partake in the anonymous drug that was offered, by the way. That is one thing I must say.
_{[ a brief pause. ]}

I declined it for you, brother.
_{[ wow, mister high and mighty here. This is the shitty part of Shittymatsu. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

[If this was the easy thing, Karamatsu, you might not get the chance to say the hard one. Initially, Ichimatsu just rolls his eyes, wondering if he's supposed to congratulate his brother for not doing something he told him not to do at least four times, and then he goes on to say he did it for him. He grits his teeth, locking his jaw tightly for a long minute with his eyes closed. Nyanko rouses slowly and scoots closer to him, butting his head under one of Ichimatsu's hands.]

[How dare he, honestly. Ichimatsu had no delusions of grandeur to think he deserved Karamatsu's attention, especially not with how awful he'd treated him for so long. He knew that, he was aware. He was surprisingly self-aware, and it was why he hated when anyone ever expected anything of him. But how fucking dare Karamatsu-- come to his space, and act like he was owed something for having not done what Ichimatsu had tried to tell him wasn't a good idea. Did he want praise for it? For the fact that he'd listened? For his sake? Nyanko absently licks his wrist.]

[It's another few seconds before he opens his eyes and looks across the room at Karamatsu.]

Is that all? [Oh.]

[glitterpants]

<sub>[ He feels as if he's done something great, because for as much as he knows in his little pea-sized brain, whatever that guy was offering it sounded like it could fix whatever kind of problems he was having. Receiving positive attention, being liked, affirmation & praise, maybe even find romance and fame-- all very important things on his list of things to do in life that he just wasn't succeeding in.
Ultimately, he wanted to better himself-- to be a better person so maybe he could even genuinely appreciate himself instead of just fooling everyone.

Ichimatsu's lackluster response is something he expected going into this, so that's one reason it annoys him even further. His teeth grit together after a moment, his arms crossing flat over his chest. ]</sub>

Do you not understand? I rejected possible rewards so I could.. stay out of trouble and be here with you.
There is nobody else.

_{[ He doesn't mean this in such a wrong way. There is nobody else.. meaning that he possibly would have done whatever he wanted if there was, but since there isn't, he's having to behave. But no, he's just reaffirming that they both need each other since the rest of their family is gone. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

[He gives him a surprisingly level stare for a long time, but eventually has to close his eyes to keep from snarling. He recoils from Nyanko and shifts to stand, leaning against the corner of the empty bed frame.]

...I understand just fine. You want me to reward you for not making a stupid decision, when as I was trying to stop you from making it you got mad like I was wrong. You want me to congratulate you for a job well done, to thank you, Karamatsu, for having half a brain cell. You want me to feel special when "there is nobody else". [His voice is thin, but betrays nearly no emotion. He's nearly clinical as he speaks.]

[He glances down at one hand to inspect his fingernails idly. He gives Karamatsu a chance to rebuke his words before he straight up tells him to get the fuck out of his room.]

[glitterpants]

_{[ After all of that and Ichimatsu has said what he needs to say, Karamatsu drops his head, one of his legs beginning to bounce restlessly. It hurts, but it's typical talk coming from Ichimatsu, so he expected it. ]}

... there is nobody else I feel like I can rely on.
_{[ Sure, he's made friends here, but after everything that happened in Eluvio, it just revealed to Karamatsu that Ichimatsu does and can care about him. He kind of already knew that in the back of his head anyway. ]}

I want to move in here with you. It isn't normal for us to be separated.
_{[ He takes in a breath and holds it for a moment before slowly exhaling. ]}

I need to be a better brother before I can be a better person.

[ichimyatsu]

[He just closes his eyes, shaking his head slowly and shrugging, never looking back up to him.]

Do what you want.

[A beat, and he looks over at Karamatsu's feet, his expression at a dull scowl.]

But if I'm just a badge for you to wear so you can say you're a good brother, don't waste your time or mine. I can't make choices for you, if Eluvio and this drug bullshit is anything to go by. You don't have to associate with me here, so for all I care, go get yourself twisted up in some sordid drug fiasco. Maybe it'll be a wet dream for you-- an adventure.

[He's so mad.]

[glitterpants]

You're not just a badge to me, Ichimatsu.
_{[ It's obvious Ichimatsu hit some kind of nerve with Karamatsu when he says that. He sounds like he is legitimately getting angry with him and what's worse is Karamatsu knows that Ichimatsu doesn't mind it (maybe he likes it with how much he hates himself.) He stays where he is, tensed, his hands balling into little fists. ]}

Don't say that. You and I share the same blood— we're family! I want to do what's best for you because I care about you!

[ichimyatsu]

Then don't spit at me for trying to stop you from doing something stupid!

[He raises his voice, with that, and that's really been the only way to ever tell he's honestly bothered, is when he shouts. And maybe the way he's heaving a little with how he's breathing. He curls in on himself, then, lowering his voice again and hugging his knees to his chest, though his breathing is still wrong.]

Don't pull that noble "I care about you" shit when you won't let me even try. I'm shit, I know that, just rip off the damn band-aid and put yourself in a family that's worth your time.

[glitterpants]

<sub>[ Once Ichimatsu starts to really show his anger, it gets Karamatsu to take a moment— to breathe— very much unlike what Ichimatsu is doing right now. What was it that cause Ichimatsu to make him hate himself so much? Maybe it's something obvious that Karamatsu just hasn't noticed, or maybe it's something that Ichimatsu has never told anyone. It's sad, though, hearing those actual words from his mouth because often times Karamatsu thinks of those words but in regards to him. Why did the rest of his family want him around? They hardly ever showed that they cared, where as Ichimatsu got all of the attention and concern.

And even here, Karamatsu cannot even show his jealousy. He, too, is concerned and he's so angry at himself for being that way. He wishes he could have a spine to give Ichimatsu a taste of his own medicine, but he can't. He can't, because he genuinely does care and love his family even if they don't feel the same way about him.

Karamatsu relaxes his muscles, his expression growing softer. He puts up his hands in defense and takes a careful step forward. ]</sub>

My brother, please. Those words are unnecessary. I don't feel that way about you at all.
_{[ He'll take a few more steps before finally crouching down at Ichimatsu's level. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

You fucking should.

[Ichimatsu is a damn fucking mess, is what he is. He does care-- if anything, he cares too much. Probably not as much as Karamatsu, but it's damn close, he just never figured out how to show it, and when Karamatsu started everyone just shunned and ignored him for it. So he never tried, because he knew he couldn't handle the shit Karamatsu gets dished every day of his life with them. His spine is as flimsy as wet paper, and what's worse is he never even asked to be coddled and babied, and now that he's an adult and should damn well be able to function without it he can't.]

[He curls inward and puts his hands over his head, trying his best to recoil away from him.]

All I ever do and say to you is hateful, why don't you just tell me off.

[glitterpants]

_{[ His outward signs of flinching and grimacing are physical signs that Karamatsu wouldn't ever have the balls to show other people even if he feels like running away from them the most. His dry lips curve downward in a frown as he studies Ichimatsu, the image of him curled up in a ball burning in his mind. He hesitates for a moment, but then places his hands on Ichimatsu's wrists, attempting to pull his hands away from his head. ]}

That isn't true. On the Eluvio and even here.. I'm realizing what you are saying to me is because you're trying to protect me. Protect me from Bajikan.. protect me from the people here.
_{[ a beat. ]}

And that is not hateful. It's.. noble. It's.. something I wish I could do better. You and I we're.. kind of alike, aren't we?
_{[ there, he said it. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

[He grumbles, not going easily at the pulling on his wrists, but eventually giving in even if he keeps his head ducked away in his knees.]

Protection makes it sound a lot less selfish than how I actually mean it.

[He doesn't acknowledge the notion that they're similar. They are, and he knows it, and he mostly hates it, because he wants so much to be more of what Karamatsu exudes in confidence, but he can't.]

[glitterpants]

_{[ Karamatsu eventually sits on the floor in front of Ichimatsu, cornering him without even meaning to. His legs cross in Indian style, elbows propping on his knees as he evaluates his little brother. ]}

Oh? Is it not protection, then? If I would have.. heeded your warning back on Eluvio, I would not have gotten in so much trouble.
_{[ a pause. ]}

I got into more trouble than you think.

[ichimyatsu]

[He looks a little nauseous, at being cornered, or maybe that's just his face, it's hard to say. His eyebrows knit together and his frown creases further, his voice coming out a grumbling growl for a moment.]

Which is why I'm so irritated you wouldn't listen to me here, but what the fuck do I know.

[glitterpants]

I'm listening to you now, am I not? I am taking your advice now. You should be happy about that because I am admitting that you are right.
_{[ ugh, this is such a douchebag way for him to get his feelings across, but he's emotionally constipated too, Ichimatsu. Maybe you'll understand. ]}

I remembered.. back on the Eluvio how upset you were when I left you. I'm not sure what I was thinking this time. I just do not want anything to happen to you.
_{[ —because something happened to him. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

Well clearly of the two of us I'm the less likely to get horribly fucked, given I know better than to be interested in some experimental drug advertised anonymously.

[His tone is flat, because honestly he's tired of this circular argument, but at least he's listening. He seems to have deigned not to acknowledge Karamatsu's insistence he should be happy his advice is being taken too late.]

[glitterpants]

Ah.. that's very good.
_{[ that's very good.. he's relieved you're not as stupid as he is, I guess. Perhaps he's worrying too much about Ichimatsu, but how can he not? He's the only one out of the rest them that are here. If something were to happen to Ichimatsu, he could never forgive himself. If their family ever arrived here, he couldn't even face them. ]}

..I'm sorry I am such a burden to you.
_{[ His body shakes slightly, forcing a smile, as if he's trying to suppress a lot of emotion right now.
Spoiler alert: He is. ]}

I am.. not very responsible, as you know. I'm not reliable, it seems, as I cannot even take care of my own self.
_{[ There he is, verbally admitting his defeat.. which is an accomplishment. He used to think he could be the oldest brother-- he was jealous of Osomatsu, but now, through all of this he's realizing he's nothing but a failure. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

None of us are. Has it really taken you twenty-three years to realize that?

[He's not delicate, he's not nurturing. He can see that Karamatsu is pretty solidly struggling with emotion, but fuck if he knows what to do with it.]

You're not a burden, you're just obnoxious. And it's irritating as hell to tell you you're doing something stupid, be spat at, and then have you turn around and expect me to be happy you actually did listen.

[glitterpants]

<sub>[ He sits there in silence after awhile, feeling both anger and guilt at the same time— a common sensation for him to actually feel at once. He wants to leave in frustration, abandon Ichimatsu like how he did back on the Eluvio, but then he feels like he can't, he's too cowardly to do that again. He wants to cry but he doesn't want Ichimatsu to see him do that— he's too prideful to dare show weakness so easily in front of somebody who harasses him enough.

His eyes glaze over slightly, but he doesn't dare lift his head up to look at Ichimatsu. ]</sub>

... That's fine.
_{[ That's fine. That's all he can manage to say right now. ]}

[ichimyatsu]

[He huffs. Karamatsu pretty clearly had other things he wanted to say, or do, and if Ichimatsu knew him (unfortunately, he knew him all too well despite his constant standoffish nature), he wasn't gonna say it unless prompted. He grits his teeth and nudges his brother with his foot, not-quite kicking him.]

The hell's your issue. If you're that scared to be alone you can move in here, you huge baby. [And, maybe he's a little scared too.]

[glitterpants]

<sub>[ He barely reacts when he is shoved, glossy eyes focused on the floor. He contemplates just merely allowing himself to fall over but somehow maintains his balance. Ichimatsu is right. He's a huge baby, he's scared, he hates being alone or the thought of loneliness.

Honestly, Karamatsu is finally acknowledging he is getting in a lot more trouble than Ichimatsu with all of this and it makes him feel like shit.

Uneasy, he finally casts Ichimatsu a glance. ]</sub>

... Are you certain?